mind loops

i am lost

i am empty

what do they do...the other people?

they are busy doing things

living

what is living?

continuing

doing what?

to what end

death

we will grind to a halt

everything changes

everything ends

impermanance

the end of youth

the passage of time

the seasons coming around faster and faster

grasping at time

trying to keep hold of it and not let it go

the fear, the courage, the doubt, the sorrow

an enormous terrifying emptiness

what am i?

little organic machine

trying to make sense of my own existence

caught between knowledge and imperative

nihilism versus biology

my own mind becomes my enemy

the conclusions are dreadful

i comtemplate suicide but negate it





the next step

tentatively feeling the way

a push a shove into the unknown

or perhaps back into the known

can i ever let go enough to just live?

why am i afraid?

can't i just hit the reset button and be free from the psychological trap

end the cycles and recycles of thought and doubt

and begin to live and if i was awake

i am dreamy and hazy





is this living?

the solids elements of my life

my brother

my father

my mother

my girlfriend

the earth

water

pain




i feel most peculiar

the echoing questions resound

... should i try to have a child?

... should i try to stay with Snowdrop?

... should i try to give direction to my life?

... is there something i must do soon?

partly i enjoy it... it is a subtle understanding... of formless notions of emptiness

but overshadowed by negativity...

to be alone yet social... i judge negative

to be aimless yet amibitious... i judge negative

to be lazy yet capable... i judge negative




is it possible to fix my mind

identify the problems

reprogram my thought patterns

improve my activity

harness my potential

move forward




do i have to be caught in this loop?