mind loops

an issue of moulding and remoulding

in the personal space of daily routine and lifestyle

i see the shape of my life forming...

habits... repeated actions... routine...

they take a shape which is fairly unchanging

i perceive it as heavy, like glue, malleable but tends to return to its same shape

it takes more energy, more focus to stretch it out into a different form, to be different, to aquire or attain a different lifestyle

i imagine that i could reshape my lifestyle to something else, but that i lack the necessary impetus, or the drive, or the motivation, or even the direction

i don't know what shape i would like, so i have not shaped it

lifestyle happens on its own, takes its own form, without direction

and all the time i perceive that Snowdrop is holding me back, not because she is Snowdrop perhaps, but just because of how i relate to a partner and take on a role

i see my ties and family and friends as constraints which hold the shape of my lifestyle

i feel that i would like to change the lifestyle, a discontent

in what direction?

to be totally free from fear
to be more active and more proactive

...i theorize or make an excuse... that if i was alone i would probably try to change my lifestyle to attract a woman... and soon she would be with me... and i wouldn't need to change my lifestyle any more... and be back were i started... stagnated or looped?... but maybe i am suffering only from success... that i have achieve the goal, the aim to find woman, i have found woman, the right woman for me, who loves me dearly, or helps me... and if she stifles me, what can i do about it? ... do i necessarily have to express my self to the exclusion of her or the persuit of another... is it purely my sex drive... or my sexual imagination... that makes unknown woman so fascinating