mind loops

is love stronger than hate?
cuddled together on a bed
she tells me she loves me
and then there is silence

i drive myself crazy
with my own rants and raves
nobody to listen to me
nobody could know
the turmoil and pain
eating away at my brain

i fall over again
i pause and try to pick myself up
last time and this time its okay
but next time i'm fucked

dreams, elude me
i wake confused
all night wandering
familiar dark places

i miss you
like i miss my self
i'm lost at sea without a compass

can you serve me a cocktail
i'd like something strong in spirit
strong in flavour
to last forever

---
god damned chemists
making agrochemicals
stop killing my mother earth

god damned biologists
tampering with life
quit engineering bio doom

god damned physicists
gave us the bomb
thanks for the suicide pact

god damned environmentalists
same old story
never changes

god damned theologians
just don't get it
its game over

god damned economists
playing dice with our time
bastards

----
18 nov 2004 midnight

just been helping my brother with his maths homework
it feels good to be able to help him
he looked stuck - couldn't grasp the idea of functions
didn't know why they suddenly started using the letter f instead of y

i wonder how much i've neglected him over the years
i've been away so much
first i was at university
then working
then travelling

i haven't been around for any continous period for a long time
i could have helped him at gcse
i just supposed that he'd be ok
that he has teachers and friends and our parents
that i was ok
parents seemed to distance themselves from his studies
maybe they couldn't help, they never really knew much about maths or physics
but even the art, he was left floundering on his own
they didn't even know about his coursework, his folder, his projects
i'm a bit dissappointed in them

but surely i've done the same
been absent
from them, and their lives
they've been sucked completely emotionally and mentally into the polytunnel campaign
with their tunnel vision

they look like they're in a narrow rut of thinking somehow
maybe we all are
i go away and see things from a different perspective
i come back and they look quite closed

i'm critical of everything
i have to be more accepting

more accepting of my own criticism
bang - immediately i loop back
can't help it

in fact, i think its the right thing to do, loop back
always apply your logic and understand of the world to everything
every little thing

self similarly, fractal pattern of life, abstract and physical, on all levels

--
in memetics, what can be learned from fractals?
what aspects of memecomplexes could be described as self-symmetric?
...
do certain memeplexes predominantly use fear in their propagation?
-- can they be identified?
-- can they be characterised?

what other emotional triggers can memeplexes utilize?

fear, anger, hatred, love, greed, lust, pride, happiness
sadness, loathing, disgust, hysteria, indifference
guilt, excitement, contentment

e.g. christianity - propagation is motivated by fear and love
e.g. racism - fear of difference / protecting own kin type
e.g. pacifism - loathing of war / anger / sadness / guilt
e.g. voluntary service - love (of people and planet to be helped)/ guilt (for inactivity)/ anger (for the badness of humanity)
e.g. campaigning - anger / fear
e.g. airline preference - "singapore airlnes is better" - pride (to say i've flown with the best) / love (to give good tip to others)
e.g. organic food - loathing (of chemicals in our food and on the land) / anger (with the society which let this happen) / pride (to be part of the solution... to buy organic)
e.g. "children should be supported by the parents" - love (of the children) / pride (being supported by one's parents, or of supporting one's own children)
e.g. depression - sadness (about current state, or pathological sadness, or about seeing others depressed)

is depression contagious?

self similarity? perhaps memes within the same memeplex use similar strategy? or use different strategy? what are the most successful strategies?
-- look for strong motivation for propagation of the idea
---- circumstantial - e.g. vertical / parent to child, school to child
---- strong belief to follow orders (e.g. jehovahs witness) -- why are they so persistent? why are double glazing salesmen also so persistent?
-- look for ease of retention
-- look for ease of high fidelity replication
-- defense strategy -- how the memecomplex fends of attack, e.g. criticism, counterevidence -- why an atheist won't easily turn into a christian -- simple arguments like "your god only exists in your mind" "i've no good reason to believe in your god any more than any other one" -- e.g. suppose that i'm an atheist, and that the christian god really exists, and suppose that i have vivid dreams or visions in which he talks to me and tells me that he's real -- i would later argue that they were just dreams, or a lapse of normal waking mental function result of stress or tiredness or whatever -- suppose the god even promised to show he was true by making some sign like a huge eruption of mt vesuvious -- and then the eruption took place -- then if i hadn't written down evidence of the prediction i simply wouldn't believe it -- previous argument, of a mental lapse, still applies -- so i must have been watching tv and saw mt vesuvious eruption and then my mind made some mental short circuit and i became instantly convinced that i'd had the premonition -- in fact, in my understanding of the world, the actual existence of any god (apart from in collective imagination) (by any theological definition) is far less likely than my own brain malfunction -- in such a way there could never be any evidence that could convince me of the existence of a god -- unless he spoke to me and to others and i could corroborate that contact and knowledge externally
---- e.g. why a christian can't be swayed either -- the faith argument -- christian doctrine says that question and doubt is not valid -- that god can never be proved -- it is purely an act of faith -- blind faith


++++
drown softly young boy
shadow of your former glory
peter out among the stars
floating gently upwards

painful memory let me go
break open my window
let the air rush in
i want to feel the wind on my face
slap me and shake me and let me see
freedom and love abound in the world

not hatred



---
banks rip us of
rip us to pieces
where do you keep your money?
ten quid down my sock
won't go very far
sweaty crumpled
---
terrorists roam our planet
looking to cause maximum hurt and pain with the minimum of investment
they kill thousands of people
motivated by desperation, pain, and a culture of violence
how many are there?

armies roam our planet
saving us from the terrorists
they kill tens of thousands of people
motivated by fear, pain and a culture of violence
how many are there?

---
bitter sweet irony, of a lost crowd, youth singing black songs on a white lake
glistening shadows play softly, paraded like empty jewels, cracked and whither tales
laced with urban myth
legends fly from tree to house
glow with pride

i'm angry, about it all, most of all i'm angry with my self, for being unable to make a difference, for being unable even to fully comprehend the scale of the shit we're in as a human race, for being unable to remember the facts and figures

why am i so caught up in all the negativity - i see disaster waiting around every turn, every aspect of our society scares me -- i'm alien to it -- i no longer respect the ideals of work hard, play hard -- of health, of life, of death

i've lost touch with just about everything
or have i

i'm calm, almost serene -- i quietly contemplate non-existence, which isn't a decent option i always hastily add
i quietly notice my mind shift in and out of insane mental states of despair

i loosen my screws more and more
soon my top will fall open
my wires will hang out
i'm going round in circles
loopy loopy loopy
sometimes i feel like i'm looking for some kind of answer
or answers, that somehow its all going to make sense, and i will at long last
know which way i have to go to find my path

this notion of 'my path' - is just lingo for 'the sequence of actions and events in which i am truly fully committed, mindfully present, convinced, certain' -
i also note, aside, that certainty will most probably always elude me - such is the nature of the individual - en mass its all so predictable, but one individual molecule like myself could go any way - there's no knowing -- and me going against the flow could equally well stir up stronger movement with the flow -- or vice-versa

committed, is a word i have trouble with -- its a word -- it means making a decision to continue in that direction even though the going might be long and hard -- it means not giving up -- it means persevering

how about taking the first step -- having a look, then coming back, testing the water

what if i get my foot stuck and the water is too hot?

death -- i think about it -- my own death, non existence -- i've said for a long time that it doesn't scare me -- i guess that the moments leading to death might be very troubled, unbearable even, but they would be just "a thing" -- something to be overcome -- and not for long -- once dead all sensation and awareness ends -- its goodbye ---- or is it? -- am i still troubled by death? maybe on some other level i'm still scared by it? -- i haven't quite 'got it' yet

---
pink blossom eats my cake, shift silently outward, portrait sad, whispered ear sings a make, frosty bellows eating wisely, petered out among heaven waited and gone, i'm vane and tired and couldn't be hopeful drips apart i'm young avery free a trustworthy and solid, i'm peaceful, more than average at least, and wise, and smart, i'm me -- i have to love me -- that's whats missing right now -- i'm torn between loving me and hating the world -- loving nature and hating humanity --- broken alms -- shadowed dripped and pain released young shy dominant youth Smith up and break your veins - tilt sewing eaten core broke to the interior

your mine, your taught to begin, show to lie, lost of spiney taps, driven driven driven again, driving, dreams, drown, little boy, singing hymns, lost words, erased my mind, my memory evades me, losing memory left right and centre - they say that is a serious symptom of depression - that memory doesn't work -- brain isn't functioning normally - - sounds like the only so called solutions they come up with are chemicals or electric shocks -- also herbs supposed to help -- and meditation -- i've gotta try the herbs

i've been self diagnosing depression for a long time -- robert once told me i'd been depressed for years -- he supposd i was out of it -- i don't think its that clearcut

i'm stuck in it

piled upon my head, stuck inside like a bone, shadowed, elbow past me, broken feet, eat inch and inch past my bones -- your mine and i'm yours, you little gold mine -- i'll dig you out, softly until your head doesn't warrant thinking about it -- broken promises broken driving dream drown little boy -- short circuit broken loops shatter my brain circuits until the pain is erased what pain -- i've never had pain in my life, not seriously , not that i know or recall --

i doubt about the pain -- i look back across the memories and i've always been a little bit messed up
a little alien
a misfit
socially difficult on some level

now, on other levels i'm socially highly adept
but i'm easily squashed, i know my place, in silence

i'm so afraid of exposing myself for the idiot that i am
i play the fool
i hide behind words

words fail me and i'm exposed, shut up, shut down, never eaten away, eaten dream drown pain little boy
cream of the crop -- subject to arguments

crazy little loops shatter my piece
piece by piece i'll break you down
little mind numb with cold
shadows dreams pain little boy
wet shadows dark places
city that i know
was london
alone lost somehwere in london
couldn't get home
did i some time ever get lost alone as a youngster in london?
london, drifty jazz music, yellow sky
thats not the memory

just maybe my dreams, that city, isn't a mix up of recent memories
but a childhood memory of london
thats where i grew up
thats where it began?
and southport
why my utter dread of the place
what was the severe disgust about going there?
about seeing that depressingly boring and essentially numbing place
culture is the offering of the worst of the current movies
a play is something to do with a football
the seaside would be a long way offshore, if only the sea would come in from its taughty distances
cross the mud flats

broken

i remember the car journey through hills, sand hills just maybe, form liverpool to southport
a big roundabout
something to do with horses
singing puff the magic dragon

climbed upon, rebelled, hungry rebellion, lucid words sink and whisper me til i'm free again, sink in grab my teeth and shatter me skywards, arse over tit until i'm free, laughing and squalid, no more little loops, tape goes round, conciousness please divert gaze and let the words pour out pure trout yes [lens trout farm] aching wise and shallow death pull me proud and worldly hate
cover my eyes too young to see that movie just in time too late jan is hurt little boy shadow crane leaping walls crust of life echoed master echoed chamber lost in silence
broken words ate too fast
i'm your little sad old friend couldn't you believe it
i i i me you thing
little aches of kid -- somebodies father told me about the leaf skeleton -- who was he
what stuff climbs and nails just a longoning open me up and let me drift to shore sining out dimly waiting to be left alone sat between her forced legs shadow and shadow again
bliss my life would be
aged and wise trust none couldn't agree more with her you are a crazy little kid
lost in sense to sense and free as a clove
beaten wise shadow death club me out sing my wounds to the stars but no suppose to give me benefit
i dont need your skill

teddy harry billy goat fot happy boy friendly game cuddle me uppy mummy you're too big shoudln't eatentoay
hurt pained don't shout
could have been pre-birth
unwanted baby
blisss life pulled up guilt ease of pain, ease to suffer joy to die, could have eaten have the snow by now, just suppose you'd found a builtup place nearby
a kid shall be named you're kid
Smith
little Smith to name but the truth lies upon lies the truth of my dreams
want to drive them
want to take control of my nights
want to sleep and live awake at the same time
want to release and free and live up the energy
better make it now than wait for some young tot to screw it up
you are a traveller mate you can't stop jownow
eaten aweay wil its too late
you might be wise but you don't know what i'm really talking about just busting up and open the sores of all the god years
worsening trinches
punched in the neck my softly earing smarts [girl with earring wrenched out, ruby]
pull up and abuse me
never really understood
feared misunderstanding
bad memory
my mother forever uncomprehending
unable to distinguish fact from fiction
loss of faculty through some basic fault
i want a woman who knows with more certainty

everyone has their knowledge area
broke up, bliss down
respect blown to the wind, eaten up in sad gusts of stale ink
i'm your man, waste me or i'll waste you
shove me a lie,
hold me down my friend
to gether we're just eating time
pull me down on top of you and fuck me
i'm giving in to the taking
wise and bent
wickeded and rising to the end
bent over cuddled and whispering
you my dear love of loves
you my homeless pity sake
eat my words
bring me pain and wait here
don't let me see you too much
i'm drifting
sadly forward
aped a young mouth
who would ever ask a young mouth to intervene
could be hopeful
sad lonely drifting didn't believe in words or slowly ate my heas through arms
dirifting crap
cityscape scares me at night
whispers into my dreams
whisper dream sane lonely little boy
you me
it
go break it now