mind loops

last night yoga was tough - an uncomfortable strain that was new to me - my body in a position that rationally i could see wasn't going to damage me - but is exhuastingly difficult and knees feel like they might pop - positively it is a challenge - and it is satisfying when you revisit other previous struggled postures which have now been learned by the body and come with ease

when we got home i was deeply tired - and i wanted to carry a peaceful calm with me from the yoga - but Snowdrop was energetic - singing and talkative - we had a bath

why do i sometimes cling to silence and withdraw into my mind quietly - why do i perceive her sounds as noise - why does her singing affect me negatively - surely i should be happy that she is lively and happy and singing? - do i perceive her voice as something i always need to listen to? - to every vowel and breath? - that it in some way begs for my reaction - when i moved to a different room she sang louder, why did i feel like she was pursuing me with her voice - like she was again asking for some reaction from me -- i know, rationally and calmly that these are errors in my perception

sometimes my mind lapses into a negative fog -- where my perception is through a negative filter -- every input is read personally and negatively -- it is a foul ugly state of mind -- on the better occassions it passes as quickly as it arrives -- it could be a matter of minutes and i snap out it -- the negative fog passes -- on worse occassions i can go to sleep in this state and wake up the same -- these longer lapses scare me -- i really don't need them -- they hinder my peace -- they threaten my relationship with Snowdrop and probably with everybody

my troubles right now are practically few -- but emotionally numerous -- increasingly reclusive i haven't seen any of my friends for months -- some of them live five minutes drive from me -- they all mostly have email and cell phones so they are definitely contactable -- but i don't have the urge to contact anyone

i question what is friendship -- it is at least sharing of moments -- sharing experience -- doing things together -- a preference for doing things with those people -- a desire to help them whenever they are in need -- a knowledge that they would always be there to help

friendship is habitual -- why am i out of the habit?

it troubles me that i don't spend time with my friends -- on one level it is my own choice not to be with them -- i choose not to call them -- but on another level i just can't muster the energy to visit them or call them

so who would i like to be with... and what would i like to do with them?

the Philosopher - i would like to talk about music, about philosophy, politics - his life - my life - travelling - just sit and chat with him

Uncle King - i so deeply and peacefully respect him - yet more recently i'm at a loss of what to talk about with him - we inhabit different philosophical worlds - we haven't much common ground - or maybe we have more than i realize

the Happy Couple - they're always enthusiastic - its easy to spend time with them - and enjoyable

but it is all shakey - maybe i just need new friends

yesterday i searched google for "mental fog" - found an interesting website http://www.innerfrontier.org - which encourages a path of spiritual advancement

i am allergic to religious talk -- in particular notions such as an eternal soul, reincarnation, a universal creator, seeing into the future, fate - all seem so ludicrous to me and might provoke an angry rejection

however, since they're so common in many spiritual practices i have try to see beyond these undigestible theses to see other the lessons offered

more akin to my own spiritual understanding, is that of Susan Blackmore -- her exploration of the mind ties together modern science with Zen

today ends several weeks of frustrating battle against bugs in my own program -- now it is finally running smoothly

the sun is shining - outside it is warm

i'm in love with someone who is deeply in love with me and we live together -- we share as much time as possible together and we enjoy fantastic sex

i have a job at the moment -- and accrued enough savings to enjoy a long period without work and money aside to invest

i have ideas about things i would like to explore and learn about, places i would like to visit, things i would like to create - and over the next few months will have time to pursue some of them